The journey I have been on this summer has been long and at times extremely painful. As I’ve learned to die to my old self and choose to pick up my cross so I can more fully follow Christ, I’ve grown so much that at times I wonder how sustainable the change in my heart really is. My journey with shame, perfectionism, and worth didn’t begin this summer, but CGA has been the place where God has asked me to lay it all down and let him burn it on the altar.
The way my brain thinks and works is so different from even a few months ago. The thoughts that used to rule my every move are no longer rearing their ugly head, and I’m learning everyday to speak the simple mantra of “I am enough” over myself. I’m frankly shocked at how God brought all the right people and events into my life to make this possible. I’m also shocked that he is allowing me to walk through this in such a supportive and loving environment.
I’ve learned to name and recognize shame in my life. I’ve learned how to show myself grace and meet others empathicaly in their pain. I’ve learned that God has given me worth and the world has no say in it. Huge, life-changing things have taken place. And yet in the back of my mind is the nagging feeling that these haphazardly placed new building blocks of my life could at any moment come toppling down.
When the winds come will I be able to stand secure in all that I’ve learned? Can change that happens so quickly really last? These questions have been bouncing around in my head for awhile now. I constantly have to battle, and repeat to myself that I am enough. Even when I don’t feel like it. Even when everything in my head is screaming in shame that I am not enough. Even when plans don’t seem to be working out the way that I want them to.
The thought of leaving CGA in a few weeks and having to live this all out in the real world scares me. How do I remember that I am enough, that I don’t let shame control me, and that I don’t have to be perfect when the world around me is shouting the exact opposite. Have I built all of this on stone or sand? When the winds come will I be able to stand firm in the truth I’ve begun to plant in my heart?
I share all of this with you for two purposes, to remind both of us that I am still very much in process, and to have you join me in this journey. I need people who will stand in throne room for me and plead for God to cement these new lessons in my life. I need people to fight for me in prayer because I’ve realized that I need all the help I can get on this journey. Also, I need people in my life who will look at me with love and grace and remind me that life is a process that I don’t have to get figured out right now. Giving myself grace in the process has been one of the most difficult things in all of this. Reminding myself that being in process is natural and normal has allowed me to look at all of this differently.
May we all stand with courage on shakey legs and live out the lessons we are learning, choosing to trust that when the winds come we will be able to stand firmly on the Rock that is higher than us.
