People warn you that CGA is hard; that you will reach a point where you will have to die to self. I never thought that it would actually happen to me…or that it would happen this fast. Yet here I am, 3.5 weeks into CGA, and I’m dying.
I have always been a perfectionist. I have always believed that I had to be perfect to be accepted and that I had to prove myself to everyone around me. The never ending shame cycle kept me stuck firmly in place – believing that every action, good or bad, was directly linked to my worth. Be perfect enough and you then might be worthy of love, friendship, grace, good things. But things not done perfectly, make every harsh word ever spoken or promise broken into truth. Failure was not a possibility because it was not just an action or behavior that was done wrong. I was wrong, not good enough, not worthy.
I think I have always known that I operated this way, but didn’t really think that there was a way out. My life was always going to be a cycle of shame, driving me to never feel like enough. Intellectually I could understand the love and grace that God gives me, but I didn’t know how to actually believe it in my heart. I didn’t know how to turn that data into something that actually changed my life.
In coming to CGA, I knew God would work, but I didn’t actually think that there was much left to change. I’ve yet to learn that every time I start to think that way, God actually has huge growth ahead for me (I said the same thing before starting the World Race). So it should be no surprise that, not more than a week into CGA, God had some plans to turn my world upside down. He knew exactly where I needed to grow, change, and die to self.
My discipler asked me to read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. The book addresses perfectionism, shame, and a variety of other topics that keep us from “Wholehearted” living. For the first time I saw my thought patterns written out for me, and the pages were ugly to read. I didn’t want to see the way that I thought having words wrapped around it, standing before me, ready to be seen for what it truly was. I finally realized that my perfectionism has been slowly killing me, that shame was my motivator, and that there is a way out of what I thought was the jail cell I would always live in.
God hasn’t stopped with just a book. Through conversations, activities in class, other books, and listening prayer, God has not been shy about pointing out how lies have shaped my view of myself and of God. It’s been three weeks of trying to kill the way that I have always thought and operated. I’m sitting in the middle of the war zone, choosing to believe that, at the end of this, I will walk away more alive than I am now. But, it’s so very hard.
It would be so much easier to think and live the way I always have. I had a great relationship with God. I could operate just fine in my life. But I asked Jesus for more. Sometimes more can only come with hard work, change, and death. I don’t want this. Who wants to die? But everyday I will choose to take a step into the hard things because Jesus is showing me that there is great reward on the other side. I am choosing to believe that with great death comes great life.
So, here is to dying to self, to choosing worth over perfection, and Jesus over ourselves.
